febuary 27 2009

well its another friday night at home. I'm just thinking bout stuff... don't you hate how you really don't wanna think about something but it's always on your mind??? well that's what im trying to avoid right now. haha. im really nervous about 2maro....i have tryouts. . its so stressful.
sorry i have too much stuff on my mind to type ...

friday night 10 o clock. =] in a good mood

so its a friday night and there is nothing to do. im listening to pretty ricky.. except all their songs sound exactly the same so they are all blurring into one sound...its like love like honey so confuzing blah blah blah. haha ... i cant wait until tomorrow.. heading to a party. lol so i have a whole night to learn how to dance so i dont completly embarrass myself..or anyone else for that matter. i guess people are just gonna have to deal with my lack of "jiggy"... lol jk. i get it honestly though.. neither my mom or dad can dance..even though they like to think they can get down with it=]. so my parents are at the neighbors playing poker.. my brother is playing ping pong at his friends house so i get to hang out with the dog and cat and dance around the house.. don't get me wrong though. i love being home alone.. you can talk to yourself and do crazy stuff without anyone askin questions and thinking your psychotic... i enjoy that. well.. the schedule for tomorrow is pretty simple too. just getting my hair cut at 10 then coming home to work on homework for hours... then going to the party...
well i'm going to get off.
love ya.
jess<3 (i's)

personal. (profile piece.)

all these things inside my heart that i refuse to say,

will live within me my whole life, that's the only way.

my joy's, my sorrow's, the laughter, the tears,

the people i know, and my darkest fears.

they may swallow me whole, or take it slow,

devouring me limb by limb.

all i know, is when that day comes,

my outlook will be dim.

all these things inside my heart that i refuse to say,

will live within me my whole life,

and within is where they'll stay.

caroline county (a profile piece)

Caroline County. the roar of rusty old pickup trucks at 7 in the morning. when the birds wake you up in the spring and the smell of fresh-cut grass is in the air. when you pass the cow and chicken farms on a hot summer day and the familiar smell takes your breath away. walking sown the road and stopping to taste the honeysuckles, the subtle sweet flavor brings back summer memories. the sound of screaming and splashing as kids play in the pool, then running over and jumping in because everyone is family. Caroline County. the 3 inches of snow we get in the winter that everyone pretends is a blizzard, then getting out of school for two days because of it. the smell of the wood stove, and the way it heats up the whole house. snuggling up in your blankets on a rainy day and reading a good book. Caroline County. the bright light of the bonfire and the sound of your friends laughter. the taste of chocolate, marshmallow, and graham cracker as you bite into your first smore of the year. the booming in your chest when your watching the summerfest fireworks. Bodies' fried chicken, Bullocks ice cream and cheese steaks. McDonald's sweet tea and french fries, and Maryland Blue crabs. Caroline County. living here long enough to have a deer hit you, not you hitting the deer. the bald eagles resting in the fields. cow-tipping and muddin'. and hearing Chris Schoonover say "pimpin' ain't easy" at least once... Caroline County.

does it need help? i need a title too..

The water's pitch black and I'm falling into a pit. The ice cold water rushes over my face, and i gasp for air, i can feel my lungs turning into blocks of ice. The cold burning brings a sense of reality, feeling the pain is the only way i can remember not all the life has left my body, even though it felt like you took me with you when you left. My pain is worth seeing you again. You have to feel pain while dying so you can appreciate the total peace you get when it's over. Heaven must be a pretty nice place since no one ever comes back from it. The pain i felt before is now gone, and i see your face. Heaven is great, but nothing can compare to the feeling i get when I'm by your side, forever.

Perhaps..

Darkness is a coward. Hiding in every corner, lurking in places unseen. He hides from the sun; from the light, playing a game of cat and mouse. Light overtakes dark. He only comes out when the sun is sleeping, and hides again when she starts to awake.

Darkness is a coward? Perhaps.

Or perhaps he is a thief, that's why he hides. He steals your sight and perception. He steals your sense of comfort, the comfort of what lies ahead. He makes you unsure and scared.

Darkness is a thief? Perhaps.

Or perhaps he is a protector. When your tired and light is too hard to handle, Darkness is gladly by your side. You become engulfed in him, he blocks out the distractions that light just can't hide.

Darkness is a protector? Perhaps.

Or perhaps I'll let you decide.

febuary 14 2009

well.... today is valentines day...whoo yippy *she says sarcastically* ... ugh.. you don't even understand how much i really despise valentines day. in my opinion its the most horrible pointless holiday ever created... go to hell hallmark... so i can tell you everything i have done today in one sentence. . sleep, eat, and play bball with my brother. yah thats it. nothing exciting. no roses from a secret admirer. no i love you's or be mine's. just a regular, boring, humdrum day. i hope everyone else's valentines day went well... if not.. im sure you could sympathize with me. well..
i guess im gonna go
there is nothing to talk about today .. i feel no inspiration because today has sucked
peace!!!
(i's)<3

freewrite .. don't

don't you hate valentines day?

the perfumed hearts,

they make me gag.

the rich dark chocolate,

what a drag.

the sappy love songs,

turn them off.

the cute stuffed teddy's

so disgustingly soft.

i hate valentines day,

don't you too?

well, unless that special guy decides to say...

i love you.=]

freewrite...stop

stop saying yes, if you really mean no.

stop saying your great, if your really so-so.

stop staring at me, if you don't want to look.

stop trying to hide feelings, that can be read like a book.

stop lying to me, when all i want is the truth.

stop pretending to like me, if there is no use.

all of these things you don't want me to see,

i avoid the truth, 'cause how can it be?

your the one that i love,

there is no doubt.

your the one that i shouldn't be thinking about.

stop making me love you,

stop making me cry.

i just want to be with you,

before i permanetly close my eyes.

but how do i know what i'm feeling is true?

can i really tell just by looking at you?

my heart skips a beat,

and my stomach's in knots.

what is happening to me?

what the hell,

make it STOP.

freewrite..box

uppercut, lowercut, jab, jab, jab. a man hits the ground with a loud thud, while the other man is having his hand held high. they are imprisoned in a square fenced with rope and thousands of people surround them. a voice comes from above announcing the name of the man with his arms in the air, and all the people scream. to me and you, this scene may seem chaotic and completly crazy but this is what those men live for. they dream of a knockout, and having their hand held up. they love the sweat, blood, and tears, and they LIVE for boxing.

surrounded..

surrounded by people, though so alone.

trapped with my emotions, my personal hell.

since you've left, everything has changed.

your smile that once was my sun has vanished, my world is dark and cold.

your eyes which were my hope, have disappeared, leaving me in despair.

since you've been gone, I've been so lost.

traveling in circles, there's no where to stop, leaving me tired and breathless.

love is fair but truth is blind, what a lie.

my heart has turned to stone, and there is no one for me to turn to.

lost in this storm i call a mind, I'll keep traveling until i find you.

until i can call you mine.

POEM!!

sitting on the humid beach in the middle of July, i began to think of many things time had passed me by. i had watched my children grow, and my children's children too. i had known so many people, some lie, but most, so true! friends had come and gone but my family was always by my side, through good times , stuck beside me, and in bad they never hide. i have failed, i have succeeded in every part of life. out looking back on it now, i wouldn't change anything, i have no strife. on this humid beach, here i sit just thinking back on everything. i have just one more thing to say, listen to your heart and never let it go astray.

about me..

i like being spontaneous, but i don't like change. i talk to myself when i like something a lot. I'm a very jealous person but i don't show it. usually i only like one person for a very long time even if they are impossible to have. i don't wear my heart on my sleeve, but as soon as I'm alone the waterworks start. music is my life, it's crazy how 3 minutes can change your entire mood. i like taking baths, not showers... i guess watching IT so many times when i was little scarred me for life. when i need to tell someone something important, i have to write it down. it's a lot easier for me to express myself through writing. my favorite thing about anyone are their eyes, that's a deal breaker. i have a really bad temper that only my family has gotten the chance to witness. my favorite flower is a rose and i love red bull and rock stars. i like eating alone, i don't know why but people watching you when you eat creeps me out. i like keeping all aspects of life simple. even though some people say i am, i don't really find myself that pretty... except on rare occasions. my first love is softball, but i don't think anyone knows how much i would love to be beast at basketball. it's the only sport i can actually have fun with and not be too competitive. i feel most comfortable around people when we are playing sports, even if its just messing around. i have my own opinions and i hate it when people challenge them. i know what i want and when i want it, and people get on my nerves when they stand in my way. I'm very independent. i don't really rely on people that much, because i know they won't always be there for me. you have to look out for YOU. i love love, and i hate stereotypes and "isms" (sexism, racism, etc.) i believe every person, no matter what walk of life deserves equal rights. i don't see colors, i see personalities. i believe in life, which means i don't believe in abortion, or capital punishment. life is precious, and if your taking someones life, your making yourself god. religion is important to me. i really don't think i would be here today if i didn't have my faith, through all the bad times in my life, and my anxiety, i could always turn to god. . i have my weird things that i do. i love dancing. mostly when no one else is home so i can run through the whole house. i sing into the hairbrush and my favorite thing to wear is jeans and a t-shirt and going barefoot. I'm the extremes, i can be really shy or really outgoing. it just depends on who i am around. certain people intimidate me, but there really isn't a reason. i like spring, i love being warm, but i love the snow. the only thing i like about winter is coming inside from the snow and having hot chocolate with marshmallows, ha ha that's the only way you would get me out in the cold. i believe it's possible to love someone but to not like them, i also think you can like your friends more than your family, it's all about your values and beliefs, and who respects them. i have the weirdest laugh and never know when to stop because i "replay" things over and over in my head. i bite my lip and shake my leg when I'm nervous. I'm a master at lip-syncing and air guitar. i HATE knives, they scare me to death. when i see a lot of blood it either makes me want to get sick or pass out. i have a high tolerance for pain, and i can almost always hide what I'm really feeling. I'm a night person, i can stay up forever, but just don't mess with me in the morning...seriously. when I'm thinking about stuff i bite on my lip or nail, and when I'm bored or nervous i play with my hair or earring. i LOVE sweatpants!! If i could, i would wear them all the time, everywhere i go. i think about things too much and over-analyze everything people say...or don't say. going to the beach is my favorite thing to do in the summer, i even like it when your feet start to burn because the sand is so hot, it's an excuse to run into the water. i hate being alone and always want someone with me, i like talking without speaking... i love being able to just look at someone and know exactly what they want to say. i have an inside joke with EVERYONE. i don't like talking on the phone, and i hate small talk. if there was a phobia of small talk , i would have it. i hate being told I'm wrong when i know I'm right. i hate it when people avoid situations. be straight with me and either give me an answer or tell me you don't want to talk about it, I'll respect you a lot more. i have major trust issues, everyone I've ever spilled myself to has hurt me except for a very special few, and they know who they are. I'm very complicated, but I'll tell anyone anything they want to know about me. I've only ever loved two people, and one of them is now my best friend. i only eat the green, brown and blue M&Ms. the blue first, then the green, then the brown. i don't know why, that's just the way it is. i act tough, but really i hate drama, and i won't get into any unless it's completely necessary. for the most part, i love who i have become. no one can change me or my beliefs, this is who i am, take it or leave it.